Archive for December, 2011

My Top 11 Tweeters of 2011

Somehow, 2011 is coming to a close.  It has been a great year, with Twitter activity being no exception.  I’m currently following 530 people, but there are a few folks that always seem to stand out from the rest.  So, rather than participating in the dreaded #FF on Twitter, I thought I’d take a little more time and expand my recommendations here on my blog.

Some of these are very popular tweeters that you may already follow.  Others, you may not be. But all of these people are among the most entertaining/funny/interesting tweeters out there, so I think they all deserve your follow.  My eyes have been trained to slow down and make sure I read every tweet from the handles I’m about to list below.

Without further ado, here are my top 11 tweeters of 2011.  In no particular order:

1.  @Whittney217 — Put plainly, her tweets are absolutely delightful.  She in a true wordsmith who specializes in funny, everyday situations.  I love the everyday stuff.  She should have way more followers.

2.  @BorowitzReport — I’ve never really had an interest in politics until I started following Andy Borowitz.  Political satire is his bread and butter, and he has buttered so much bread this year.  It has been a lot of fun following him during the GOP debates.  The Republican candidates have afforded him quite the smorgasbord of material to work with.  Come back soon, Herman Cain.

3.  @JennyJohnsonHi5 — Be warned:  her tweets are rated R.  But man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly spit out my drink while reading one of her tweets.  They are wildly inappropriate, but absolutely hilarious.  Also, I’ve really enjoyed the guest posts she’s written for Grantland.  She is a ball of entertainment.

4.  @JayBilas — There are three guarantees in life:  death, taxes, and @JayBilas tweeting ridiculous Young Jeezy lyrics every morning.  He consistently shares interesting articles and provides his unique spin on college hoops.  Also, his snarky RTs of some of the ignorant tweets his followers send him offer a good deal of laughs.  I’ve always been a huge Bilas fan, but Twitter has cemented that.  Even more impressively, in addition to his work for ESPN, he’s also a practicing attorney at a law firm in North Carolina.  Outstanding.

5.  @JimmyTraina — If there is anything worth watching/reading on the internet, Jimmy will point you to it.  Whether it be in his twice-a-day Hot Clicks posts or his tweets throughout the day, he’s a great source for the best viral finds.  He’s also a huge Seinfeld fan, which is a big plus.  His tweets about the everyday stuff are quite enjoyable.

6.  @darrenrovell — Some people knock him for tweeting too much.  However, I get bored when there’s nothing happening on my timeline.  If you are ever away from Twitter for an extended period of time, the only handle you need to head to in order to get caught up on what you missed is Darren’s.  He specializes in sports business, but also tweets about a variety of other topics.  I had the pleasure of meeting him in New York this summer, and he’s a really down-to-earth guy.  For him to take the time to meet with a complete stranger from Twitter really impressed me.  I think about 60% of my followers can be attributed to Darren.

7.  @JimGaffigan — My 2nd-favorite comedian of all time, behind only the great Jerry Seinfeld. What makes Jim great is that he’s just as funny on Twitter as he is in real life.  His tweets are clean and his frequency makes him a great follow.  If you want the most consistent laughs that Twitter has to offer, follow Jim.


8.  @robdelaney — See #3 above, except these tweets are often rated NC-17.  Rob fires off some of the funniest tweets out there, so I tolerate the occasional filth for a good deal of laughs.  When you’re texting your friends, “Please check @robdelaney‘s latest tweet”, you know it’s quality material.

9.  @PeytonsHead — All sports jokes, all the time.  If you’re a sports fan and you like to laugh, this account is a must-follow.  His identity has remained a mystery up to this point (as far as I know), but that’s fine with me.  As long as he continues to deliver hilarious tweets, I’m happy. And you’ll never have to ask yourself, “Where has @PeytonsHead been?”  He stays current, and his frequency is amongst the highest on Twitter.

10.  @FauxJohnMadden — He’s neck-in-neck with @PeytonsHead for the best sports comedy account on Twitter.  If you’re watching football, you also need to be on Twitter following Faux Madden.  There isn’t a line he won’t cross.

11.  @EliFromBrooklyn — Very few people stay as connected to Twitter as Eli does.  He’s extremely clever, and keeps you on top of all the latest in social media and sports.  He knows Twitter inside and out, and works very hard at it.  I also had the pleasure of meeting him in New York this summer.  He bought me a steak/sushi dinner.  Solid!

I realize this list of recommendations is extremely biased toward sports and/or comedy, but these are the accounts that I enjoyed the most in 2011.  I’m expecting big things for 2012, and I am confident that these accounts will not disappoint.

Happy tweeting!

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Why are we so selfish on Twitter?

I’ve been on Twitter for about a year and a half, and needless to say, I enjoy it.  I like to keep up on news and sports, but most of all, I like to tweet random internet finds and corny jokes, provoking interaction and feedback from others.  We all like feedback, right?  After all, what fun would Twitter be if it felt like you were tweeting to a brick wall?

But have we gone too far?  During my time on Twitter, I’ve caught myself being selfish.  I’ve caught others being selfish.  Why should I care?  Honestly, I don’t know.  Does anyone else care?  Again, I don’t know.  But lately I’ve seen Twitter selfishness on the rise, so I thought I’d jot down a few ways I’ve witnessed people (myself included) being selfish on Twitter, why I think we’re selfish on Twitter, and try to determine if it’s really that big of a deal.

Before I go any further, a couple caveats:

  • I’m guilty of just about all of these things.  In fact, I could probably change the title of this post to “Why am I so selfish on Twitter?”
  • I’m not calling out anyone in particular.  These aren’t things that I’ve seen any one person do, but rather common techniques that I’ve seen a lot of people use.  If I’m a follower of yours and you feel like I might be singling you out, just remember:  I’m still following you.  I don’t follow anyone who I don’t feel adds value to my timeline, so keep up the good work.

So, here are just a few ways to be selfish on Twitter:

Selfish Twitter technique #1:  RTing with a completely unnecessary comment (adding +1, THIS, etc. in front of a RT).

Why it’s selfish:  Does adding “+1” in front of a manual RT really add any value to that tweet?  Who’s keeping score here?  A waste of characters, in my opinion. Congratulations, you’ve managed to take a really solid tweet and dilute it by adding your silly little stamp to it.

Selfish Twitter technique #2:  RTing with no comment at all (i.e., manually RTing instead of just pressing the ReTweet button).

Why it’s selfish:  Now, perhaps some people just prefer to RT this way.  There used to not even be a ReTweet button, so maybe the grizzled veterans of Twitter still use the manual RT out of habit.  However, for most of us who do this, I think there’s selfish intent behind it.  Why is this selfish tweeting?  Manually RTing increases the chances of more RTs on your resume, thus improving your Klout score.  For example, say you press the ReTweet button on a really solid tweet.  If your followers see it and also agree that it’s share-worthy, when they press the ReTweet button, the RT goes on the original person’s resume, thus leaving you as the middle man with no credit.  However, by manually RTing something, subsequent RTs from your followers will instead go on your resume.  Thus, by manually RTing someone, you’ve essentially given the original tweeter a lowly @mention, while you’re potentially racking up a bunch of RTs on their content.

Another reason many people manually RT is to “build their brand”.  I had a conversation with @AllisonLCarter about this a while back, and I think there’s a lot of truth to it.  When you press the ReTweet button, your followers will see the original tweeter’s handle/avatar instead of yours on their timeline.  In other words, if you found a really solid tweet and pressed the ReTweet button, your “brand” may be hurt because your followers may not see that you were the person who RT’d it.  So, many people manually RT so that their handle/avatar always appears on their followers’ timelines.  Selfish tweeting?  The definition of it.  Look at me!

Selfish Twitter technique #3:  Constantly re-wording other people’s tweets, making immaterial changes and then adding a “via @____”  at the end to give “credit”.

Why it’s selfish:  I use the “via” method quite a bit.  Sometimes, I’ll really like a link that someone tweeted, but I won’t love how they worded the description of the link’s content. For some reason, I’m really conscious about the appearance/cleanliness of my tweets. There are many times where I’d like to press the ReTweet button on someone’s tweet, but if there’s a misspelling or poor choice of wording, my brain just won’t let me do it. I’m a control freak and I think I can word it better than you.  That’s selfish.

Selfish Twitter technique #4:  Essentially stealing someone’s tweet, then justifying it by adding “H/T @_____” at the end of your tweet.

Why it’s selfish:  H/T stands for hat tip, which basically means “I’m tipping my hat to so-and-so for pointing me to this great content.”  Now, I didn’t write the rule on the H/T, but in my opinion, a H/T should only be used if the person indirectly pointed you to a piece of information.  If you received the content from someone in any other way, you should just RT them, or find another way to give them credit.

For example, on the night that IndyCar driver Dan Wheldon died, I was browsing my “Activity” tab and saw that my good friend Dave Neff (@dneff84) Favorited a link to an article on Wheldon that sounded interesting.  I read the article on the spot, and thought it was worthy of a share.  So I tweeted it, tipping my hat to Dave to acknowledge that he was the reason I came across the article.  However, I’ve seen people take others’ tweets word-for-word, then add a H/T crediting the source of that tweet.  That’s not a hat tip—that’s just robbing someone’s tweet and making it look like your own by cramming the original tweeter’s handle at the end.

Selfish Twitter technique #5:  Sharing a link that you saw someone else tweet and not crediting that person in any way.

Why it’s selfish:  Let’s face it…content doesn’t create itself.  We all get our cool internet finds from someone/somewhere else.  So if you saw it on Twitter, credit where you got it from.  Don’t leave credits off to make yourself look like the king of internet finds.  I always credit whenever I see something on Twitter.  But there are a lot of things I don’t see on Twitter, so that’s when you’ll see me tweet a link with no credit.

So, what’s the point of all this?  Well, depending on how you use Twitter, this entire blog post may not apply to you at all.  So if that’s the case, then there is no point.  But if you use (abuse?) Twitter like I do, I think we could all benefit by taking a step back and re-evaluating why we’re here in the first place.  I would not be on Twitter if I didn’t have a solid group of followers, so it’s hypocritical of me to anticipate/expect RTs from my followers when I’m inexplicably hesitant to return the favor to those I follow.

All in all, people just want to be noticed.  We all want that next big RT, mention, or follow, and we’ll do whatever it takes to get it, even it it means stealing some of the glory from someone else’s tweet.  But I don’t think it has to be this way.  If we all worked together, I think we could accomplish whatever goals we’ve set on Twitter.

I’ll sum up my thoughts on this subject in one sentence:  Yes, there is an ‘i’ in Twitter, but remember…there’s also a ‘we’.

How I Obtained Nearly 1,000 College T-shirts

If you’ve known me for more than a few years, you’ve heard my college T-shirt story.  It’s one of my go-to stories whenever I’m in a “tell me something interesting about yourself” situation.  If they’re still not impressed, I then throw out the fact that I have zero cavities, or perhaps more impressively, that I haven’t thrown up in over 20 years.  A Seinfeld-esque streak which I hope to maintain for 20 more.

It started in high school.  One of my history teachers would always put together these classroom games in which the winners would get to pick from a box of random prizes.  The prize box contained all kinds of stuff:  mugs, pens, pennants, and even T-shirts.  I noticed that most of the items in the prize box had college logos on them, so out of curiosity, I asked him where he got all his loot.  His method was shockingly simple:  he’d occasionally e-mail random colleges asking them to donate items for his classroom.  He gave me a website which listed the admissions e-mail addresses of all the top colleges in the nation.  I jotted down the URL and couldn’t wait to get home and give it a try.

I got home and took a gander at the list of schools.  It was massive.  1,700 to be exact. However, I quickly made up my mind:  over the course of the next several weeks, I was going to e-mail every last school on that list and request a free T-shirt.  And damn it, I did.

Now, I need to set the stage a little bit here.  Keep in mind that this little experiment took place in the summer of 2003.  DSL internet existed at the time, but unfortunately, my parents were still on dial-up.  And not that fancy-schmancy AOL service, either.  Nope, our internet service provider was Walmart Connect.  Walmart Connect?  Yes, Walmart used to have its own dial-up service and it was called Walmart Connect.  My e-mail address was jrice80@wmconnect.com.  Embarrassing, right?  Anyway, the internet speed was clearly going to be a major hurdle.

As I pondered how I wanted to go about tackling this gargantuan task, I wanted to do whatever it took to get the best results.  I wasn’t interested in pens and mugs.  I wanted T-shirts, and lots of them.  Sending out requests for free shirts in a massive bulk e-mail was not going to fly, as I figured it would look too spammy.  These requests needed to be personalized and sent individually.  I drafted up the body of the e-mail in Word, basically saying how I was a prospective college student who wanted to gather a few shirts and wear them around to promote their school.  I included my mailing address and noted my shirt size.

  1. Open a “new e-mail” window.
  2. Type “Hello” as the subject.
  3. Navigate to the database, click the name of the school, find the admissions e-mail address and copy/paste it into the “To” field of the e-mail.
  4. Copy/paste the body from Word into the e-mail.
  5. Navigate back to the database, copy the name of the school, and paste it in the greeting above the body (e.g., Dear Abilene Christian University:)
  6. Press Send.
  7. Repeat.

I listed the above steps to give you an idea as to how long this process actually took.  Each step seems minuscule, but when you’re working on a dinosaur of a PC with each webpage click taking 10+ seconds to render, it really adds up.  I would usually sit down and just hammer them out in stages, typically at a clip of about 60 E.P.H. (e-mails per hour).  You could really get into a rhythm, but let me tell you, it was absolutely grueling.  You’d have a nice pace going, and then all of the sudden, your brain would just completely forget how to press CTRL + C, CTRL + V, etc.  You’d have to stop, regain focus, and try again.  It was an absolutely mind-numbing process.

About two weeks into the project, my hard work started to pay off:  the shirts were starting to roll in.  It started off slow–maybe a shirt or two a day.  But one day, it just exploded.  I don’t know if all colleges coincidentally chose the same day to start mailing out their crap, but all of the sudden I got about a dozen shirts in one day.  The next day, 15.  The next, 20.  Shirts were coming in faster than I could unpackage them.  Our mail lady was pissed.  Our driveway was a mile long, and every day for an entire summer, she’d have to drive all the way to our front doorstep and unload armfuls of packages and boxes.  But for me, every day was like Christmas morning!

You wouldn’t believe the postage cost on some of these boxes (anywhere from $5 to $15 apiece).  My best haul came from Emmanuel College.  They sent me a box of ten T-shirts.  But these weren’t just any shirts.  These things looked like they had been taken right off the shelves of their college bookstore.  Very high quality.  They were neatly wrapped and still had tags on them, priced at $10 each.  What a haul.  Emmanuel College was my Moby Dick.

The majority of the schools that sent me shirts were ones that you’ve never heard of.  But that’s part of what made it fun.  Whenever I’d wear one, people would ask, “Where the heck is that school?”  My answer was usually, “I have no idea.”  However, there were quite a few big schools that sent me shirts.  Some of the bigger schools from memory were Notre Dame, Syracuse, Ohio State, BYU, Michigan State, Utah, Marquette, Indiana, and Pepperdine.

But it wasn’t just T-shirts.  Even though I only requested shirts, some schools would also send all kinds of random college paraphernalia:  pens, pads of paper, mouse pads, stress balls, pennants, sweatshirts, long sleeve Ts, hats, mints, calculators, key chains, water bottles, even rain ponchos!  It was glorious.

That was a magical summer.  I’m not kidding, every day for 3 months, something would come in the mail.  I had hundreds of shirts:  all different colors/designs, and all really unique.

A few more random thoughts before I wrap this post up:

  1. Many, many other people tried this after seeing/hearing how much success I was having. Every person that I know who tried it enjoyed some type of success.  But very few, if any, had the drive (or free time?) to make it through all 1,700 schools on that list.
  2. People that I didn’t even know heard my story through other people and gave it a try for themselves.  I was known as “the T-shirt guy”.
  3. When a friend or family member would give it a try, sometimes the person in admissions would recognize the city/state in their mailing address and reply back with “Are you the same guy who requested a shirt a couple months ago?”
  4. When the University of Utah replied to my request, they agreed to send me a shirt, but on one condition:  I had to take a picture of myself wearing it and send it back to them.  They put me on their website!  Pretty cool.  It was a really nice shirt, too.  Nike, I believe.
  5. These shirts pretty much made up my entire wardrobe throughout the rest of high school and all through college.  Chilly out?  No problem.  I’ll just throw on this comfy St. Thomas Aquinas College sweatshirt.  Chance of rain?  Piece of cake.  Just let me grab my Point Loma Nazarene University rain poncho.
  6. On many, many occasions, I’d be wearing a shirt in public and would get stopped by someone.  “Whoa, you went to Loras College?!  I was an ’87 grad!  Go Duhawks!!!”  They were disappointed to hear that I only obtained the shirt as part of an elaborate e-mail scheme.
  7. I went through the list a second time a couple years later, but only made it about halfway through.  A year after that, I went through the list again and made it all the way.  Over the course of all three attempts, I’d say I sent about 4,000 total e-mails.
  8. All in all, I would guess that I probably got between 800-900 T-shirts.  I gave most of them away to friends and family.  Gave some to Goodwill.  Kept my favorites.  I still have probably 40-50 of them.

Will I ever try it again?  No, probably not.  It was extremely time consuming.  But what makes a future attempt even more prohibitive is the fact that U.S. News & World Report appears to have changed the layout of their online list of colleges.  You used to be able to click on the name of the school and the admissions e-mail address would be front and center.  I looked around on their current site, but I couldn’t find any admissions e-mails.  There may be other lists out there, but there is absolutely no way you could do this without a really quick way to access a mass list of college e-mail addresses.  Having to navigate through pages and pages to find each one would be impossible.

If this little T-shirt project taught me anything, it’s this:  sometimes, all you have to do is ask.

Attention Tim Tebow Haters: I Have a Few Questions For You

Tebow this.  Tebow that. Tebowing.

Sick of Tim Tebow yet?  I would understand if you were.  The media has crammed Tim Tebow down our throats so much these past few weeks, it has almost made us forget about the incomparable Brett Favre. Whoops, I spoke too soon.

Before I get into the questions I have for the Tim Tebow haters out there, I need to preface this post with something:  I love Tim Tebow.  Wait, that didn’t come out right; allow me to try that again.  I LOVE Tim Tebow.  I’ve never been much of a college football fan, so to be honest, I was lukewarm on him while he was at Florida.  No love, no hate, just didn’t really care.  But after reading his autobiography this summer and witnessing how he’s handled relentless scrutiny so far this season, I’m convinced he’s a genuine, rock-solid Christian who just wants to play football.  Anyway, for the remainder of this post, I’m going to attempt to put myself into the shoes of a Tebow hater.  [Man, these shoes don’t fit.  And they smell.  Moving on…]

So here’s my question, Tebow haters:  Would you rather see Tim Tebow fail professionally, or personally?  For purposes of this post, I’m going to define “professionally” as strictly on the field:  wins, losses, stats, accolades, etc.  And by “personally”, I’m including his spirituality, demeanor, morality, etc.

The easy answer for the ultimate Tebow hater would probably be “both”, but what if you had to pick one?  Tough call, fellow haters.  Man, his throwing motion blows!  Zero completions by halftime?  Seriously?  How can he call himself a professional quarterback?  Whoa, now he keeps talking about Jesus and stuff on camera?  I’ve seen enough.  I want to hate his game, but he just keeps winning!  I want to hate him as a person, but he seems to have it all together.  Damn that Tim Tebow!

Alright, it’s time to pick a side.  In order to do so, I think you have to consider another question: What do you hate more about Tim Tebow:  his game, or his religion?  I would guess that most haters hate how outspoken he is with his faith rather than his faith per se, but nevertheless, his faith and/or the way he goes about professing it really bothers some people.  But personally, I don’t think it would matter if Tebow were a Christian or a Buddhist. In my opinion, I think that some folks are just very uncomfortable with sports and religion (of any kind) coming together on such a big stage.

A certain level of apprehension is understandable, though.  The sports world has never seen anyone with the combination of on-field success and a faith as outspoken as his, which is something I really like.  It’s refreshing.  Would I be as big of a Tebow fan if he were a Buddhist?  No, probably not.  But it’s easy for me to like him because my religious beliefs are 100% in line with his.  But I’ll take a step back from that and just pose one final question for sports fans who are sick of the Tebow coverage:  Would you rather have disgusting Jerry Sandusky headlines in your face for the foreseeable future, or continue to learn more about a really interesting young man who is completely changing the game of football? Give me an all-Tebow TV channel, for Pete’s sake.

My whole point here is this, fellow haters:  if you had to pick a side of which to continue despising Tim Tebow, your safest bet is taking the “professional” side.  He’s won six out of seven as a starter and is destined to lose again at some point, so be patient and I’m sure you’ll be rewarded.  However, if you insist on putting your money on his “personal” failure, you’ve been warned.  No, he isn’t perfect.  He’s a sinner, just like you and I.  But if you’re going to sit and wait for a Brett Favre-like scandal to swoop in and destroy the likes of Tim Tebow, I really think you’re going to be waiting a while.

OK, now back to loving Tim Tebow.

The Complete Guide to Office Restroom Etiquette

In a perfect world, public restrooms wouldn’t exist.  We’d all have the luxury of emptying our bowels and bladders in the comfort of our own homes and on our own schedules.  But alas, Mother Nature isn’t so kind.  In a moment’s notice, She can summon your insides into hyperactivity, leaving you scrambling for porcelain in often the most deserted locations.  What a sick sense of humor She has.

I, for one, am not above public restrooms.  When you’re on the brink of disaster, there is no sweeter sight than that beautiful, tiled oasis.  But I will be the first to admit that they can be the most awkward places on earth, and in my experience, none being more awkward than the office restroom.

The office restroom brings on a completely different level of complexity in terms of social norms.  When I’m at home, the door often stays open.  But when you’re at work, you’re expelling repulsive toxins from your body right next to the person that you might later be shaking hands with after a business luncheon.  Next to the person who’s got the stapler you need to borrow.  Next to the person who just grabbed a handful of Jolly Ranchers out of the community candy bowl.  You get the idea.

For your reading pleasure, I have assembled the complete guide to office restroom etiquette.  Even if you’re not near as paranoid as I am when it comes to the workplace washroom, I encourage you to read on anyway.  I’m writing from a male’s perspective, but most of these apply to the ladies as well.

  1. If you’re checking for an available stall, don’t peek through the crack in the door.  Ever been on the receiving end of a stall stare?  The most awkward eye contact you will ever make.  I’m sorry, was the 2 feet of floor clearance which exposed my boxers and pants around my ankles not enough evidence for you?  OCUPADO.
  2. If you’re going to bring reading material into a restroom, throw it away when you’re done.  I’m not sure who brought the whole “pay it forward” concept to the public restroom, but it has gone far enough.  Oh, you thought that I might want to leaf through that Better Homes & Gardens mag smothered in your poop germs?  How thoughtful of you.
  3. Guys, if you have to urinate, please use the urinal.  I can’t believe I actually have to tell people this.  For reasons beyond me, I’ve seen people pass up perfectly open urinals and opt to go #1 stand-up style in a stall.  Why would anyone do that?  I don’t care how good of aim you think you have:  you’re going to make a mess of that toilet seat and you will not do a thorough cleanup job.  If you insist on the stall stand-up routine, at least lock the door behind you.  There is nothing more awkward than accidentally stepping into an occupied stall.
  4. Don’t make small talk.  An office restroom is no place to discuss weekend plans.  If a conversation in the hallway makes its way into the restroom, said conversation should stop at the urinal/stall.  Quick rule of thumb:  if you can’t see their face, don’t speak.
  5. If you’re having a blowout while others are in the restroom, please allow everyone to exit before you even think about showing your face.  Maybe this is just me being me, but it boggles my mind when I make the first move toward the exit, I’m washing my hands, and suddenly, Captain Splatter exits his stall and saddles up at the sink next to me.   WHY?!  You couldn’t wait 20 seconds so that I could exit the restroom first, leaving each of our identities a mystery (the way it should be)?  You’ve shown your face, and now I know…and you know, and you know that I know, and I know that you know.  I’m sorry, but this relationship has been tainted beyond repair.
  6. Courtesy flush, courtesy flush, courtesy flush.  Are you paying the water bill?  What are you waiting for???
  7. If you build a nest on the toilet seat, please take it down before exiting the stall.  Any fellow nest builders out there?  Depends on the venue for me.  If I’m in a disgusting gas station restroom, I’m layering that toilet paper a mile high.   If I’m at a nice restaurant, a single layer will typically suffice.  At any rate, clean up after yourself.  Leaving your used, warm nest behind for someone else is almost as gross as not flushing.
  8. And finally, the most important rule of them all:  WASH.  YOUR.  HANDS.  This is straight out of a Seinfeld episode.  I am absolutely baffled when I’m standing next to someone at the sink and they merely sprinkle cold water on their hands.  What are you, five?  And no, the hand sani dispenser next to the door does not serve as a hand-washing substitute. Use soap and warm water like a big boy and get back to work.

So there you have it.  If you follow these simple rules, you won’t be “that guy” in your office (the guy that had Mexican the night before and everyone knows it).

The Pet Peeve List Re-launch

I’ve gone deep into the archives to bring back one of the most enjoyable things I’ve ever put together:  a list of everything that ticks me off.  Up until this point, this has solely been a Facebook thing.  However, I decided it was time to share it with the Twitterverse.  I haven’t touched the list in a long time…until now.

It started in early college and became sort of a running thing for a few years.  I’d come up with my own pet peeves and people would also submit theirs.  I’ve narrowed the whopping 563 pet peeves down to 150.  It was pretty entertaining to see how dated some of them were.  For example, there were pet peeves about AIM away messages, classroom settings, etc.  I’ve cleaned them up and also added a little bit here and there.  I don’t plan on adding any more, as I honestly don’t think there is anything else to be peeved about.  I just thought I’d bring it back to the surface to give you something to read. They aren’t in any particular order, except for #1.  #1 is far and away my biggest pet peeve.

Enjoy.

150. *****(Josh Miller) The cart selection at Wal-Mart. It seems that every one is either busted, jammed, or has a loose wheel that incessantly rattles and makes it next to impossible to turn the thing without power-sliding like Mario on a go-cart.

149. When you ask for water at a fast food place, and they insult you by giving you a cup the size of a freaking thimble. I’m not giving a urine sample, I just want a man-sized glass of water!

148. The fact that the cords on toasters are only like six inches long. What’s up with that? Absolutely no versatility in toaster placement allowed.

147. Infomercials that depict small, compact garden tillers ripping through the Earth like hot knives through butter. Why are they tilling areas that have seemingly already been tilled? There’s no way those dinky things could hack the hard, unforgiving clay of the Midwest.

146. *****(@JarredLRoberts) People who come to your house, open a can of pop or a bottle of water, drink two or three sips, and then leave it for you to clean up later that night.

145. People who think it’s appropriate to hawk a giant loogie right in the middle of a heavily-trafficked sidewalk. Thanks Cletus, now the rest of society has to walk around your thick nasal gelatin pile.

144. *****(Paul Hazlett) When people ask the question “Hey, can I ask you a question” and then not giving you ANY time to give an answer because they’ve already preconceived that they are going to ask the question regardless of what you might say or think.

143. When you approach a car on the interstate and you’re not quite sure whether it’s a state trooper or just some geezer with a tinted out Ford Crown Vic with a 5-ft. tall CB radio antenna on the back. This uncertainty usually forces you to stay behind the mystery car until you find out just who’s behind the wheel.

142. *****(Liz Parkinson) Ordering a regular-sized drink at a fast food restaurant only to find they have filled it to the brim with ice! Meaning you won’t have anything left to cleanse your pallet once you’ve finished your meal unless you carefully ration your drink of choice.

141. *****(@camsprink) Noseless school buses. They just bother me for some reason.

140. When certain quasi-fast food restaurants leave a space for a “tip” on your credit card receipt when you go to sign. The nerve! A tip? For what? Handing me my 16 oz. drink cup? Here’s a tip: SCREW YOU!!!

139. *****(Kayla Steury) People who ride bikes sitting straight up. I’m not asking for Lance Armstrong form here, but please…you look like the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz.

138. *****(Kayla Steury) Washing spoons by hand. You have to get it at the perfect angle so the water doesn’t come back and splash all over you.

137. *****(@nolenyoung) Girl Scouts that think that by blocking your entry to the grocery store automatically forces you to buy their cookies. Better yet, girl scouts who don’t accept credit cards. We live in a cashless society.

136. Girls who wear tights with nothing on over them. Look, if I wanted to see camel toe, I’d go to the zoo.

135. .*****(@nolenyoung) When no matter how hard you try, the microwave and stove clocks aren’t in sync.

134. The fact that department store manikins come fully equipped with erect nipples now. What are they trying to pull here? “Buy this shirt…..if you’re caught in a blizzard, at least you’ll turn heads.”

133. People who manually force a CD-ROM or DVD tray shut, rather than simply pressing the “Open/Close” button to accomplish the task.

132. *****(@mdburns21) Non-spiral bound notebooks. These items suck for a couple reasons: (1) Over time as you leaf through the pages, the perforation begins to weaken and the pages randomly start to fall out. (2) When you turn the page to try and write on the back, the binding makes it difficult to fold it all the way over, reducing the right-hand margin and making it very difficult and annoying to write anything. Spiral-bound all the way.

131. People (usually girls) who overuse the phrase “I’m SO OVER IT!!!” Look, you’re obviously not over it, given the fact that you’re still whining about it.

130. That HORRIBLE smell you get on your fingers and hands after barely even touching a lady bug. How can something so small smell so bad?

129. People who think that leaving the little aluminum seal BARELY attached to the top of a Pringles can keeps the chips fresher. Just rip the dumb thing off; it’s not doing a dang thing!

128. When you’re wanting to watch two shows/sporting events at once, and both stations go to commercial breaks at the exact same time. It’s as if the guy at the command center is trying to play a trick on you.

127. People who wear football jerseys to CHURCH.  We get it…you’re a bit of a fan.  Can’t you take it off for just an hour?

126. *****(@Andy32Miller) Medication commercials that depict a casual setting in which several individuals are discussing how bad their headache, backache, and/or stomachaches are. Conveniently, one person whips out a brand new——-UNOPENED——-box/bottle of pills, and proceeds to discuss the common symptoms, side effects, dosage recommendations, etc. of the medicine. Seriously, who carries around something like that? Do you have any idea what the odds are of timing up something like that? “Hmmmm let’s see here….yeah, I think I’ll go with the Tylenol PM today, just in case I happen to run into anyone who’s been having trouble sleeping.”

125. ”Tough” guys who go with the sandals, shorts, and T-shirt when it’s near-freezing temperatures outside. There’s nothing “tough” about being so cold that your testicles are up in your throat, so do us all a favor and just put a coat and some pants on.

124. Friends who call you from a concert they’re at to boast a song they’re hearing live. Do they REALLY expect you to even understand a THING over a cell phone? “Dude, check out this tune! You’re totally missing out:  @$%%&%@#$%$%@@*&^^&&@$.”  Click.

123. *****(@camsprink) When you open up a package of bagels and they’re not cut in half, but 7/9ths and 2/9ths. WHO’S FALLING ASLEEP AT THE BAGEL SLICER!?!? And why can’t I have that job? You have to smush the 7/9ths piece just to get it to fit into the toaster, and the 2/9ths piece seems more like the butt of a loaf of bread than half a bagel. It’s ludicrous.

122. *****(@karissasprinkle) When a nice, consistent, two-way back-and-forth text message chat suddenly turns into a tangled web of double-conversations. You know, when one person unexpectedly sends two messages in a row, completely ruining the patterned banter you had once enjoyed. Pretty soon you’re holding two separate conversations with the same person, at least until one party wises up and waits for the opportune moment to combine everything back into timely, rhythmic pleasantries.

121. *****(Jeff Lehman) People who have no concept of distance when it comes to saying “Bless you” after someone sneezes.  General rule of thumb is arm’s length.  Shouting “Bless you” from across a room is just unnecessary.

120. People who think that removing the seat will somehow prevent their bicycle from being stolen. Believe me, your wheels jump to #1 on the hit-list when you do that.

119. When you reach the point of no return while carrying something incredibly hot, typically a food item. You’re too far to turn back, yet you’re still a good distance from your destination. The only choice is to tough it out and suffer certain first-degree burns.

118. When you’ve just finished doing your laundry and find one stray item that somehow got separated from the rest of the clothes piles, causing you to either have to do an INCREDIBLY small additional load, or wait until the next laundry day.

117. Men who don’t wear undershirts under their white dress shirts. Not only is this a bad idea for sweat-stain risks, it also makes your white shirt look thin, old, and dingy.

116. People who carry backpacks and have virtually every strap and clip locked and loaded as if they were preparing to scale Mt. Everest.

115. Passive drivers that insist on sitting at a 4-way stop waiting for every other car to make the first move. I don’t care if it’s my turn or not, if I pull up to an intersection and see three 80-year-olds just staring at each other, I’m goin’.

114. The dinky bath towels that hotels provide you with. You might as well be drying off with a Kleenex for Pete’s sake.

113. When you go to take a drink out of a drinking fountain, only to find yourself face-to-face with yet another thick, bloody loogie. How did this person expect that to go down the drain?

112. .*****(@THarry10) When you walk a sidewalk, or anywhere else, in a group of three and you eventually get pushed to the back and you are now walking behind the two other people in your party, left behind as the third wheel.

111. Cars that travel at sloth-like speeds when merging onto a major interstate. IT’S CALLED AN ON-RAMP FOR A REASON. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PICK UP SPEED, BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO MERGE IN WITH TRAFFIC MOVING 70 FREAKING M.P.H.!!!!!  YOU SHOULD NOT OWN A DRIVER’S LICENSE.

110. Pick-up trucks with custom outdoor landscape paint jobs on them. There’s also a 99.9% chance this person has a miniature dreamcatcher hanging from the rear-view mirror. A crew neck sweatshirt with a howling wolf on it makes the trifecta.

109. People who wear basketball jerseys in public with no shirt underneath. You gotta have that buffer, for your sake as well as everyone else’s. That stiff jersey is just going to itch you to death, plus none of us want to see your pasty arms and wirey pit hair.

108. Macho guys on the Price is Right who feel the need to spin the big wheel as hard as humanly possible. Do they think that the faster it spins, the greater their odds of hitting the $1.00?

107. When you pop a jump drive into a computer and it takes 4 to 5 information bubbles to pop up telling you that the computer recognizes the hardware. I don’t need to know every step in the process, just let me freaking know when I can open up my files!

106. Cut-off T-shirts that are cut so low that one last string of thread is the only thing keeping it from basically looking like a large bib. I’m always tempted to run up and just rip the remaining cloth apart.

105. Those pickup truck commercials that show the BRAND NEW truck barreling through a muddy swamp, power-sliding down a gravel road, and being loaded up with boulders, trees, and/or ridiculously heavy iron beams. Show me the guy that abuses his brand new $30,000 truck like that.

104. When you’re walking inside a house and somehow step on the tack strip underneath the carpet.

103. When people feel the need to walk WHILE riding an upward-moving escalator. Are you really in THAT big of a hurry? And don’t tell me you’re just trying to get some exercise, because if that’s the case, you should’ve just taken the freaking stairs.

102. When you’re dining at a fast food restaurant and the broom guy insists on getting right up in your grill and sweeping practically right underneath your feet while you’re trying to eat. Dude, out of the 5,000 total square feet in this place, you pick the 3 that I’m in?

101. When the lock is broken on a gas pump handle, causing you to have to manually hold the lever down to fill up your entire tank. If I’m going to pay nearly $4 per gallon, I demand functioning equipment.

100. When people bite shrimp just above the tail, leaving a large portion of meat still inside. All it takes is a firm grip and a simple wiggle, and you’ve got yourself a whole extra mouthful of grub.

99. When people are mowing the grass and insist on blowing the clippings all over the road or street that they’re living on, when they could easily just mow in the opposite direction and blow the clippings back onto their own freaking lawn. You wouldn’t take a dump in the middle of the street, would you?

98. When you’re at a restaurant and you request a water with lemon. After finishing your first glass, the waiter/waitress takes it away and replaces it with a fresh one, only without a lemon this time. Why not just refill the glass I already had? That saves both of us some trouble. NO TIP FOR YOU!!! [in obnoxious Soup Nazi voice].

97. *****(@Andy32Miller) The unnecessary pages that print off at the end of a web page print job.

96. Spastic blinkers. OK pal, we get it; you’re turning left.

95. Buffet lines that have utensils for you to use on foods that are obviously better suited to just grab with your hands. Are you telling me it’s gross if I just grab a ROLL out of a basket? I have to use a pair of gigantic tweezers instead? That’s just stupid, plus it holds up the line.

94. When you’re in line to pay at any restaurant/retail store, and the clown in front of you spends 10 minutes trying to scrounge JUST the right amount of change to pay for his item. SIRRRRR, I SEE A TWENTY IN YOUR WALLET. WOULD IT FREAKING KILL YOU TO BREAK IT?

93. Public toilets that sit so low you feel like you’re back in your potty-training days.

92.*****(@camsprink) When a basketball player makes a pass and then looks away real quick making the “surprised ooh face” and everyone ooh and ahhs and the announcers talk about what a great no-look pass it was. HE WAS LOOKING WHEN HE THREW THE PASS! THAT’S NOT A NO-LOOK PASS!

91. People who feel the need to compete at who’s heard the more severe weather forecast. Ever experience this? You know, you’ll say something to the tune of, “I heard we’re supposed to get 3-4 inches of snow tonight.” Next thing you know, some clown is trying to one-up you with: “OH YEAH? Well I heard we were supposed to get 4-5 inches!” Cool, want a cookie?

90. People with messy inboxes. Read the e-mail, address it, delete it, and save the important ones.

89.*****(@Andy32Miller) When you’re driving down a road with LITERALLY NOT A SOUL around you, and someone pulls out in front of you….BUT WAIT! There’s more…not only do they pull out in front of you, but they drive 30 MPH under the speed limit. Still not satisfied? OK, how about when they make a turn literally A HALF MILE down the road…seriously, what the heck? Had they waited just one more second and pulled out AFTER you, none of this road rage would have ever taken place.

88. When people shut their cars off and leave their windshield wipers in the full upright position. Park your car, turn off your wipers, let them finish, then turn your car off.

87. When the sun is shining JUST BARELY out of your visor’s reach while driving.

86. When you’re standing in line to fill your cup at the fountain pop station, and the person in front of you is determined to fill theirs to the top, wait for the fizz to settle, top it off again, wait for the fizz, top it off one last time, take a sip, and then top it off one more time for the road. JUST COME BACK FOR A FREAKING RE-FILL!

85. When it’s practically nighttime, and people refuse to just completely turn on their headlights. Those little yellow fog lights aren’t doing squat; just freaking turn the switch one more notch!!! It’s not like you’re paying an electric bill on your car.

84. When you go to turn on the TV and you accidentally press the power button twice. You take a seat and wait for the screen to pop up, only to be left hanging.

83.*****(@camsprink) When you go to Taco Bell and they have the fake “How are you today?” and then the “Would you like to try our ____?”. Just let me freakin’ order already!

82.*****(@Andy32Miller) Soap commercials that depict men/women soaping up while the water is directly pointed on them. Everyone knows you have to step aside from the direct stream in order to thoroughly lather up before beginning the rinse cycle.

81.*****(@Andy32Miller) The little dried lotion nuggets you get that you never know what to do with. Do you try to rub them into your hands along with the rest of the lotion? Or do you hassle with picking it out and throwing it away? Very tough call, I suppose the size of the nugget would come into play here.

80. *****(@Andy32Miller) When you’re at a gas station and you elect to pay at the pump (for convenience reasons), and you get the “Please See Cashier” notification to obtain your receipt. What’s up with that? If I wanted to see the cashier, wouldn’t I have selected “Pay Inside” in the first place?

79. When you’re in a hurry and approaching a yellow light (totally planning on continuing right on through it), and the person in front of you SLAMS on their brakes to try and stop in time, which obviously negates any chance of you making the light. Yellow doesn’t mean “STOP NOW OR DIE,” so just relax and proceed through it, please.

78. When you think you’re watching something on DVR, go to fast-forward the commercial break, and realize you’re actually watching it live.  Heartbreak in its cruelest form.

77. When the little tab/clip on your favorite pen or mechanical pencil snaps off. The clips serve no purpose, but for some reason, the writing utensil becomes practically useless to me at that point.

76. When you go to punch in a TV channel and the order of the desired digits gets thrown off. For example, let’s say you’re wanting to turn to channel 35, but you don’t hit the #3 hard enough and only the #5 was selected. Then you try and choose 35 again, only this time it takes you to channel 535. Anger and frustration really begins to set in here, resulting in even more channel errors.

75. Sneezing while driving. It’s actually pretty scary: for that split second, you’re flying down the highway at 70 MPH with your eyes closed and absolutely NO control over your vehicle.

74. Clearance racks at clothing stores these days. First off, you’ll see a sign that says “Everything $9.99 and Up.” That’s a sweet deal, except for the fact that 9 times out of 10 there’s one crappy shirt that’s $9.99 while EVERYTHING else on the rack is $25 or more.

73. Being stuck behind a pickup truck full of large, highly unsecured items that could potentially soar through your windshield and decapitate you.  In a situation like this, all I can usually think of is that scene from Final Destination…

72. When you’re approaching an intersection with a huge semi in front of you. Not only is the semi traveling at an incredibly slow speed, but it’s also completely blocking your view of the stoplight…is it still green? Is it red? You better hope it’s still green, because that semi is your lead blocker and there’s no stopping now.

71. People who spread the peanut butter first, and THEN the jelly, all while using the same knife. Jelly is obviously easier to clean/wipe/scrape off, so it just makes sense to spread that first. Either that, or use two separate knives. I will hunt down the person that makes a peanut buttery mess out of my jelly jar.

70. Purchasing something, receiving change, and later realizing that the cashier managed to sneak several Canadian coins past you.  Might as well be Monopoly money.

69. Hitting the urinal wall at just the wrong angle, resulting in an unexpected golden shower on your pants and/or legs.

68. Setting: bookstore. People who grab books off the shelf, pop a squat on the floor (cross-legged, mind you) in the middle of the aisle, and read. JUST BUY THE FREAKING BOOK ALREADY!

67. *****(Jeff Lehman) When you’re in the midst of searching for a parking spot in a crowded lot, and suddenly you think you’ve just struck gold! An open space! Oh wait, it’s just a Volkswagon Beetle pulled all the way forward between two other cars, making the spot look open. Small cars suck.

66. Public restroom stall doors with broken locks. Having to guard your unprotected fortress WHILE dropping a deuce is probably the most stressful situation imaginable.

65. When you’re driving/riding in a car and only one window is partially opened, causing a vacuum suction that could literally rip your eardrums out at any moment.

64. When you’re standing in line at a drinking fountain, and the person in front of you decides to fill up their 800-gallon water bottle to the very brim.

63. When you’re heading out for the night and realize your cell phone only has one bar of battery life remaining. Only the most important calls/texts are allowed at this point.

62. The uncertainty of whether or not to hold a door open for someone. Depending on the distance, it’s a tough judgment call. Committing to holding the door open when the person is too far away is the worst-case scenario.  Once you initiate the hold, you’ve reached the point of no return. Letting go at this point would just make you look like the biggest jerk of all time.

61. When you load up your toothbrush with toothpaste and set it on the counter, only to glance over a second later and find it tipped over.

60. *****(@Andy32Miller) Physically-capable people who insist on utilizing the handicapped buttons to open doors. I mean c’mon, you have to press the button, WAIT for the door to slooooowwwwlllly open (which they often times end up forcing the door open anyways because of their lack of patience), and then finally walk through. Just open the dang door next time.

59. *****(@Andy32Miller) When someone asks to borrow a pen or a pencil, and you look over a few minutes later only to find them CHEWING on it! Is that their way of marking their territory? That’s disgusting! Congrats, it’s yours.

58. *****(@nolenyoung) When driving down the interstate, you all of the sudden realize you’ve been in a daze and can’t remember anything in the past 5-10 miles.

57. *****(Kacie Miller) The painful sting you get when running your hands under warm water after being out in the cold for a lengthy period of time. It’s almost not even worth it.

56. People who purposely cut thumb holes in their sweatshirt sleeves. Stop it. You look like a homeless person.

55. The first few uses of a new chapstick; the concavity of the stick makes it very difficult to get a nice, even coat on the lips.

54. Being really excited to get into bed, only to realize you washed your sheets earlier that day and the bed isn’t even made.

53. Splotchy facial hair. C’mon guys, let’s face it: not of all us were blessed with evenly-spaced follicles. Just shave it and move on.

52. When you always seem to pick the squeaky chair to sit in, preventing you from ever quietly changing positions.

51. When rain water soaks halfway up the legs of your jeans.

50. The HUGE sunglasses that cover 3/4 of a girl’s face. Are you working with wood? No one needs that much eye protection.

49. Having a wedgie at a time when picking it out would violate social norms.

48. *****(Kayla Steury) The oversized spoons at Wendy’s. Using these mega-utensils could prove hazardous to your health, due to the rubbing and scraping of your lip corners when trying to take a heaping spoonful.

47. When you’re pouring milk on your cereal, and the arrangement of the pieces causes a deflection of the milk out of the bowl and onto the table.

46. Ear blackheads. How can those things be so painful? (Tip:  use the rounded end of a bobby pin to dig them out.  Works beautifully)

45. When you forget that you put your cell phone on your lap while driving, and upon exiting your vehicle, your mobile device is sent airborne, crashing into the pavement.

44. People who try to get away with wearing belts that are entirely too small. When the end of the belt no longer reaches the little tab anymore, it’s time to upgrade.

43. When you’re watching a basketball game on TV and a player chucks up a halfcourt/fullcourt shot slightly after the buzzer sounds, and the stupid camera doesn’t follow the ball so we can all see how close it was to going in. Even worse, the crowd gives a huge “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”, clueing you in to the fact that it was really close. I HATE THAT.

42. When you’re offered a highly tempting food item after you’ve JUST popped in a fresh piece of gum.

41. When you cannot seem to find a sufficient windshield wiper speed, causing you to have to manually press the lever each time you are in need of a wipe.

40. Those annoying eyelid spasms that never seem to go away.

39. When the little jagged plastic ring around the top of the milk carton falls into the glass you’re pouring into, causing you to have to finger it out to retrieve it.

38. Being subject to viewing earwax POUR LIKE LAVA out of someone’s ear. “Q-tip here! Can we get a Q-tip?!?!?”

37. Popped zits/shaving nicks that never seem to stop bleeding when you really need to go somewhere. Dab, look, dab, look, dab, look.

36. People who insist on opening pop cans only halfway instead of the fully open position.

35. When you just can’t seem to get that undershirt in a symmetrical position in the collar area.

34. When you’re in the midst of doing a colossal amount of laundry, only to find out that the load that was previously in the dryer is still wet, forcing you to put that load through an additional drying cycle, therefore halting the entire system you had going.

33. Girls who braid each other’s hair in public. Please stop that. You look like two chimpanzees grooming one another.

32. Hippies with filthy dreadlocks in which they CONSTANTLY seem to be itching. OK, I’m seeing some dandruff and grease POURING from your head, so don’t you think it’s time to Bic that bio-hazard and take a shower?

31. When you say bye to someone, and awkwardly, they are heading in the same direction you are. Do you pretend you aren’t still walking right next to them? Do you give an ADDITIONAL goodbye when you finally do separate? Tough call.

30. Being exposed to about 4 inches of pure buttcrack. It’s like a solar eclipse: as hazardous as it is to your health, you just can’t seem to look away.

29. When you see a car driving with the gas cap wide open.  When I see this, I’m almost embarrassed for the driver.  It’s like catching someone with their fly down.

28. When neck hair and back hair collide for a frightfully furry frenzy. PLEASE CLEAN UP YOUR NECKLINE. And Nair your back while you’re at it.

27. Automatic paper towel dispensers. Who’s designing the sensors on these things?  It honestly takes me 5 waves of the hand for every 6 inches of paper towel.  Apple, please move into the paper towel industry.

26. People who wear wife beaters in public. Who are you, Kid Rock?

25. When people only put $5 in gas in their car at a time, instead of letting it get to the E and filling it all the way up like a real man. The dinky $5 deposits here and there will not make the gas any cheaper. In fact, it wastes more time AND is harder on your engine due to the unnecessary shutting off/turning on.

24. When someone is in a group setting, and they ask a question that they obviously already know the answer to. The only reason they asked the question was so they could display to everyone his/her knowledge of the subject.

23. Nighttime showerers. You’re not fooling anyone. We can tell from your bedhead and sheet crease lines on your face that you have not showered in a while. We’re not in 3rd grade anymore…it’s time to bathe every morning like adults.

22. Anyone who puts ketchup on their macaroni and cheese.

21. People who don’t like Seinfeld. As impossible as it sounds, there are some out there…

20. The sick feeling of “Oh wow, how long has my fly been open???”

19. When you unexpectedly walk right into a MASSIVE spider web and you can’t freakin’ get it off. It’s even worse when the web is caked on your face.

18. When you pull a stick of gum out of a pack and the paper divider comes out with it. The absence of this tiny but crucial piece of paper loosens up the entire pack, resulting in every piece of gum falling out of the pack while in your pocket.

17. Heavy breathers. There’s nothing worse than sitting in a quiet setting and the person next to you is wheezing like they just finished a marathon. Who’s blowin’ the dog whistle? Either pick your nose or get some nasal spray.

16. Girls who strategically place the strap of their heavy carrying bag directly in the middle of their chest in an obvious effort to enhance the size appearance of their breasts. That’s the equivalent to a guy stuffing his tighties with a cucumber.

15. Having to take a dump right after you get out of the shower. Talk about bad timing.

14. The polo shirt/gym shorts combination. It’s confusing—-are you dressed up, or dressed down? This duo is only acceptable on the tennis courts. If you’re sporting this clothing clash and don’t have a racket in hand, you deserve a swift kick to the groin.

13. The idea that sllllllloooooooowly opening up candy wrappers and chip bags during a meeting or other quiet setting is a more discrete way of operation. JUST RIP THE DANG THING OPEN.

12. When you’re in line to turn left at a light, the light is green, and the car in front of you REFUSES to creep out into the intersection. The creep is golden…you MUST creep. The creep commits you to the left turn. Even if the light turns red, you can still make the turn because you obviously have to clear the intersection. A minimum of two cars should be committed to the creep at all times. It’s science.

11. When the toilet paper dispenser decides to get stingy, only allowing 2-3 squares at a time.

10. Overguessers. By that I mean the following: You have an astounding statistic to tell someone, and you’re really excited to share it. You ask a friend, “Hey, guess how many there are of this?”  After asking the question, you are anticipating a low, not-even-close answer, after which you go over the top and completely blow their minds! Instead, you receive an answer WAY higher than the real thing, completely ruining all hopes of impressing anyone. After you tell them the real answer, an awkward moment of disappointment generally follows. Why did they have to guess so high?!

9. When too much meat is left on someone’s buffalo wings. CLEAN THOSE SUCKERS!

8. When you’re in the left lane on a highway, and someone comes up really fast looking like they want around you. So you kindly get over to the right lane, but they don’t pass you; they just continue driving side-by-side with you.

7. When you’re low on deodorant, and you try and stretch what you have left for one last armpit swipe, and the little plastic ridge around the stick totally scratches up your pit. Yep, you got greedy.

6. When automatic flush toilets go off at the most unexpected times. One wrong lean and you’re in for an ice cold surprise.

5. Men who think they’re fooling us when they try to hide their fat stomachs by hiking their pants up to their neck.  Sir, that is not your natural waistline.

4. When you go to squeeze ketchup out of the bottle, and nothing but liquid comes out all over your food.

3. People who think that violently tapping on the top of a pop can will help reduce fizz before opening.  Maybe this is just a Midwest thing?  Who knows.  Either way, it’s stupid.

2. When businesses try to get away with using “M’s” as “W’s” or vice-versa on their company marquees. It’s so obvious that that “W” is really a “M” turned upside down. Who are you trying to fool?

1. Adults that still don’t understand the difference between “your” and “you’re”.  Your = possessive.  You’re = you are.  As in, “You’re lucky to have graduated college.”

Obligatory Inaugural Blog Post

Well, folks…I caved.  After dragging my feet for years, I’ve finally joined the blogosphere.  That’s been the story of my social media life, actually:  caving.

  • Facebook.  Hated it.  You couldn’t get me near it.  Caved.
  • LinkedIn.  Who uses that?  What a waste of time.  Ooooh…look at me!  I’m a professional!  Caved.
  • Twitter.  Are you serious?  I don’t have time for that.  I’m too busy checking out pics of my pregnant Facebook friends exposing their veiny stomachs.  Caved.  Caved.  Caved.

So, here I am.  I really don’t know how I’ll use this blog, so we’ll just see what happens.  I can tell you a few things, though:

  1. I foresee this blog as an extension of my Twitter feed.  You’ll probably still see the same old random thoughts/rants/various other musings, only much more long-winded and belabored.
  2. I’m going to strive for quality over quantity.  I’m not going to attempt to meet a weekly quota.  I might post something three days in a row.  I might go three weeks without posting anything.
  3. I want your feedback.  If my posts suck, tell me.

First post is a wrap.  That wasn’t so bad.  I’ll leave you with my favorite YouTube video of all time:  Battle at Kruger─the most incredible wildlife footage ever captured.